MOTHERS DAY WEEKEND

I have cried and wept, over my children calling someone else Mommy, and as I have prayed and felt guilty (over that one) I was introduced this weekend to my children's, friends, teachers and choir coach as their REAL MOM nothing could have prepared me for this, I have to say that God works in mysterious ways and that he works on his own time not Lizzie's time, what more could as Mom want? I thought that was the greatest gift of all, My daughter had a choir competition this weekend and she surprised me with a solo it was beautiful, she is the next American idol, she is awesome and I can not say enough wonderful things about her,

The Pickle, that is what we call Dylan, he has finally got it through his thick skull that he is not the bottom of the pecking order in our home, he is at his dad's but not with his mom, poor Jeremiah has no idea whats in store for him, Dylan was "bored" waiting around for Mycalah's comp. and so he thought that he would antagonize Jeremiah by telling Jeremiah to close his eyes and than Dylan proceeded to hide, and run away so that Jeremiah could not find him, and yes he was NOT playing hide and go seek, Dylan didn't want to be sought out, we had to remind Dylan that Jeremiah is only 4 and yes you are bigger than Jeremiah and why are you arguing with a 4 year old about who's bigger? That was the argument for 3 days! yes count them 3!

we went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom with all the people who were in the choir comp. MISTAKE!!!!!!!!! and it was my husbands 42ND b-day (not happy) So even though I had the 8 year old picking on the 4 year old and the 42 year old complaining all day about money and how the world is going in to a depression and not a recession and the 12 year old who wants to hang out with her friends and not her Mom (it's the age) it was the best Mothers Day I could ever have! If for some unforeseen reason I died today I would be happy my life is almost complete, I am just waiting for the day that I spend time with Jay my 16 year old, I have a perfect life what more could I ever possibly ask for?

to all of you out there in cyber space HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

Ahh the short of the story

Ok so to make the long story of my life pretty short as short (as 16 years of using, 2 ex husbands and 4 children later) I didn't see Mycalah (My -kay-la) and Dylan for almost 6 years , I sent my oldest to his dad's at age 9 and now he is 16, and shipped Mycalah and Dylan off to their grandparents in Vegas, why you asked? because their dad went to prison for manufacturing, yes manufacturing he thought that he could be in pharmaceutical sales. So I was deep into my addiction and had nothing left to loose, I am going to get somewhere in this story of mine, I have yet to see Jay my oldest he lives in Austin TX with his wonderful Dad and can't say enough nice things about his Step-Mom. On June 16th, 2007 I was reunited with Mycalah and Dylan, I found out where they were due to the fact that I was still married to their Dad! whoops did I tell you that I am married to a fabulous guy names Mike? ooh didn't get that far yet. so yes I broke all the rules of life, will get back to that drama later too. So Jeff sent me divorce papers and thought that I would sign relinquishment papers so that his fiance could adopt them I am sure that he thought I was still using, and whoops he's about 3 1/2 years too late at that time, why because I am a contractor for Child Welfare what do I do? I help mom's regain custody of their children when they are in the system. So they were not to happy with what I have done in my life. LOL LMAO I can never tell that story enough. I still get a great chuckle out of it. I love flashing my Child Welfare Badge, especially to them. So now I go to California every 3rd weekend in the month I drive 9 hrs to get there on Friday and spend 8 hrs on Saturday and drive home on Sunday that is my life I drive 18 hrs to spend 8 hrs with my children, ( I am sure it pisses Jeff and Julie off) that I have been very accountable and have never missed a visit yet oop lie, I missed in January due to the weather. I will do anything for these children.
SO back to what I am getting at is that I had my children home here in Oregon for Christmas Break for 10 days WOO HOO, they called me Mom, the best present anyone can ask for, I call them every Sunday faithfully at 7:30 PM to talk to them (this is where I am going with all this blah blah) They don't call me anything when I talk to them on Sundays ( every now and then they call me HEY) they act like it's a chore to speak to me, they dread talking to me on the phone, I can hear it in their voices, I don't understand, I am not offended that they call Julie Mom, heck she's been there for them more than I had in the past, I just want to be called Momma they can call her mommy I am the Momma, I had them for spring break we had a great time I even put them all in time out for fighting, Dylan asked if he could call me Mother, all I could think of was Pink Floyd, I kindly answered the question of you call Julie Mommy and me Momma, I think thats fair,
I want them to treat me the same way on the phone as they do when they are with me with love, and respect. yes they are probably confused and angry with me for what I did and I carried that guilt around for YEARS, but as I have worked steps with my sponsor I no longer feel guilty the best thing I did for my children was I loved them enough to let them go to someplace safer than being with me. I don't know why they treat me weird on the phone, I just don't understand it SO if anyone could possibly give me some answers to this freaking question I would be greatly appreciative.

Self Destruction

Should I start from the beginning? well I was born !!!! LOL as you well tell I will be quite comical through this "Blog" thing y my BFF Maraiya has turned me out on this new addiction. Which brings me to the "Self Destruction" title, I was a major Meth addict for 16 years!!!!!!!!!! minus the 3x being pregnant and nursing (hence the 38 longs). you hear of all of those people with the missing teeth and horrible skin, me on the other hand have most (as you see the word most) of my teeth I do have all of the front ones, and my skin never looked as great as it did when I was using. I guess you could say that I was a lucky tweeker. I have been arrested, sent my oldest with his father and the other 2 with their grandparents. The husband at the time went to prison for manufacturing meth. to make a long story short, I used and used to numb the feeling of the lose that I had in my life and yet I am a responsible women in recovery and do not blame anyone but myself, so to make the long story short I got clean originally in may of 03, why did I get clean? I really didn't like going to jail and having helicopters and police chasing me down in a car that I "Borrowed" thankfully by the grace of God, I didn't have any major charges waiting for me. and decided that I was done.

Ok end of (as we call it in recovery) war stories. I have no idea what compelled me to share the fact that I am a recovering Meth addict to the enitre world wide web where thousands of people could just read it on a whim, I guess it's to share with others that We Do Recover